A Very Unmerry Christmas
by PhoenixFire Lia
Summary: Okay, this one gets weird. Plastic Christmas trees and the Ishida Stare of Doom. How merry can you get?


A Very Unmerry Christmas

Bah, humbug.

"I have a plastic Christmas tree."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm serious. I have a plastic Christmas tree. We drag it out of a cardboard box every Christmas, set it up in the living room, and take it down after New Year's and put it back in the box," Lia said, pulling an M&M off the gingerbread house sitting on the table. 

"That's pathetic. I thought our Thanksgivings were bad, but a plastic Christmas tree has to take the cake," Yolei sighed. 

"Don't get started on that turkey murdering holiday!" Poromon squawked indignantly.

"So? I think eggnog is the most disgusting concept on the face of the earth and nobody thinks twice about that," Nicki pointed out. 

"Nicki, you eat Cool Ranch Doritos with relish, we're not going to discuss your eating habits," Shad stated, batting a marshmallow between her paws. 

"At my house it's tradition to watch every single Christmas special that we've seen at least five hundred thousand times during the course of our lives," Kari mentioned. 

"Yeah, like those scary wooden puppet reindeer," Tai added. 

T.K. paled at the words "wooden puppet."

"I'm allergic to the Grinch," Joe mentioned.

NO! No Dr. Seuss!" Nicki and Shadowmon shrieked. 

"Heheh, all the Whos down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch who lived just north of Whoville did not," Matt recited. 

"You're a sick, twisted baka, Yama-chan."

"Yeah, and I think I'll incorporate the Grinch song into my Christmas CD just to piss you off."

A/N: I'm putting catch phrases in and you can't stop me. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything and go read another fanfic because I'm not taking flames from anyone. I have Constitutional rights, and if I want to put Japanese catch-phrases in an otherwise American fanfic I may go ahead and do so, so there!!!

Cody started tugging on Izzy's shirt hem, but Izzy wasn't paying any attention. Cody frowned and looked at the others in helpless exasperation. 

"Dammit, being the short one is no fun."

"I'll get his attention," Ken offered. Yes, Ken Ichijoji is a good guy. He walked over to the table and slammed down the screen of Izzy's laptop, turning it off. Izzy looked up in confusion, and Ken pointed to Cody. 

"Are we going out to get the girls' Christmas presents or what?" he whispered. Izzy paled and relayed the message to the other guys, who immediately blanched. 

"How the hell are we going to get out of here?" Tai muttered. "They'll know something's up!"

"I don't know about you guys, but I can handle my situation," Matt said, getting out of his chair. 

"Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, digimon of all ages to the showdown of the century. Matt is going to try to explain to Lia why we're leaving. Let's go live to the scene," Davis commented. 

"Uh, do we really need a running commentary of this?" Ken asked. 

"Yes!" the other guys chimed. 

Matt looked at Lia forlornly, forcing his perfect sapphire eyes to glisten with unborn tears. 

"Oh man, it's the Ishida Stare of Doom!" T.K. gasped mockingly.

"It's a proven fact that no girl can resist the Ishida Stare of Doom," Tai added. 

Lia, however, can resist. "Don't think the Ishida Stare of Doom is going to impress me, Matt. I know you're up to something."

"Who, me?" he asked with feigned innocence. 

"No, the other twit giving me the Ishida Stare of Doom. If you're trying to back out of our date this afternoon the answer is no. You promised we'd leave at three and build my gingerbread Parthenon for Latin. It's two-fifty nine, so unless you're the Flash or Superman I don't think you can go and come back in less than a minute."

"Ooh, burn. Matt better have a great comeback for this one," Joe mentioned.

Matt did, in fact. He kissed Lia gently, then murmured, "Give me half an hour to help the guys out, then I promise I will devote the entire rest of the afternoon to you and the Parthenon…and I will take you out to dinner afterwards unless we get stuffed on cookie junk."

"There's a great comeback for ya, Gino," Davis said. 

"Who's Gino?" Chibimon asked. 

"Half an hour, not a second more. I will be staring at my watch the entire time and if you are more than ten seconds late I will shove a fully-assembled plastic Christmas tree down your throat and then turn on the blinky little white lights!"

"SCORE!" the guys shouted, confusing the girls. They grabbed their jackets and ran for the parking lot, heading for Joe's BMW. 

"So…what are we going to do?" Sora asked.

"Why don't we get some lights and go trim a tree in the Digiworld…unless you think Palmon will protest Christmas?" Mimi suggested. 

"Sure, why not?" Yolei replied. 

"But there aren't any real Christmas trees in the Digiworld," Kari pointed out. 

"We could decorate a palm tree…or Palmon," Nicki mentioned. 

"Whatever. As long as we get back in time so I can build this ridiculous gingerbread Parthenon that I didn't want to do in the first place but my crazy Latin teacher forced me to," Lia sighed. 

"That's why I take Spanish," Nicki retorted. 

~*~

"Half an hour to find Christmas presents for our girlfriends? What were you thinking?" Tai asked as Joe floored it towards the mall.

"It's not my fault Lia doesn't fall for the Ishida Stare of Doom any more."

"Half an hour isn't enough time to pick something perfect out for the girls!" Izzy wailed. 

"Only I have to be back by three-thirty. You guys can take longer."

"But Joe is our only ride home, so if you go, we all go," Davis mentioned. 

"How did I get stuck being the chauffer?" Joe groaned. 

"You're the only one with a license."

The guys stared in a disgusted awe at the masses of people crowding the mall. 

"And we're supposed to shop in this?" Cody asked.

"Stay together. D3's and digivices don't work well in the real world and we don't want a repeat of what happened after we missed the train coming home from Highton View Terrace, do we?" Izzy teased. 

"Oh yeah, we ditched you guys and spent all the money on supersized fries and ended up having to do the taxi-dance and ride with Sora's baka cousin Dwayne," T.K. recalled. 

"Okaaaaay," Ken said. 

~*~

"O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, you're so fake and plasticy," Nicki giggled. 

"Ha ha. Real funny. Don't forget you have a plastic tree too," Lia pointed out.

"Let's just go," Sora sighed. 

"Digiport, open!" Yolei and Kari shouted. 

The spiffy music starts playing and the girls get pulled into the Digiworld. 

"Hi Palmon, you wanna help me find a Christmas tree?" Mimi asked. 

"Christmas tree? You want me to help you slaughter one of my sisters?" 

"Oh God, not this again," Wizardmon groaned. 

"Just kidding. I know Christmas trees get replanted every time they're cut down, so it's no big deal. Besides, I think Christmas trees are pretty kawaii."

"Now why couldn't you and Biyomon have reacted like that?" Yolei asked.

"Because trees don't get their necks wrung every Thanksgiving and roasted in a 450 degree oven!" Hawkmon complained. 

"I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but I doubt there are any Christmas trees in the Digiworld," Gatomon mentioned. 

"We'll get a Christmas palm tree…unless you'd like to be our tree, Palmon," Mimi suggested. 

"Sorry, Mimi, but I'd rather not get electrocuted."

"Lia, quit staring at your watch!"

"Shaddup, Wizardmon. I gave Matt exactly half an hour to go shopping, and if he weasels out of this date I will not be happy."

"Just what would you do to him?" Kari asked. 

"Oh, I don't know, give ten thousand screaming teenage fans his home phone and cell phone number."

"Ooh, harsh!" 

"Hey, lighten up, girl," Nicki said. 

"I feel bad for all those Jewish kids. Nobody puts out Hanukah specials or Hanukah trees," Yolei sighed. 

"How about we market a Hanukah fairy? She puts gifts in your yarmulke if you leave it next to your menorah," Kari suggested.

**A/N: Please, if you happen to be Jewish and are offended by Kari, it's her fault, not mine. **

"I think Jewish kids might get offended by that," Lia pointed out. 

**See? **

"Okay, now that we've established that, let's find a Christmas tree!" Sora said brightly.

"I don't get it, what's Christmas?" Biyomon asked. 

~*~

"What do you mean I'm not allowed to buy that for Kari?" Davis asked. 

"Davis, she doesn't like you, and buying her lingerie is certainly not going to make you high on her popularity list," Tai pointed out. 

"Grrr."

"So Matt, how are you going to outdo yourself after Lia's birthday?" Izzy taunted casually, peeling the price tag off the inside of the soccer cleats he picked out for Nicki.

"Simply two words: Boston Ballet."

"You're giving Lia the Boston Ballet?" T.K. asked. 

"No, you baka, I'm taking her to the Boston Ballet. She's been dying to see the Nutcracker for ages, and I thought this would be the perfect Christmas present."

"Ah. Well, I got Kari a brand new digital camera. It's a lot faster than the one she has."

"Uh-huh. I'm trying for the hair stuff again. Let's hope Sora doesn't go ballistic," Tai mentioned, tying a ribbon onto a carefully wrapped box of scrunchies.

"You don't know what I had to go through to snag this CD for Mimi. She better appreciate it," Joe gasped, putting ice to his fat lip. 

"I got my mom a cookbook. Maybe now she'll stop telling me our Thanksgiving chicken is turkey," Cody sighed. 

"I'm giving Yolei an iMac," Ken mumbled. 

"What?!"

"I'm giving Yolei an iMac. Maybe now she'll stop trying to swipe Izzy's laptop."

"Uh-huh…" the others mumbled, watching as Ken turned bright red. 

"I think it's sweet…and oh my God, we have three minutes to get back!" Matt gasped, examining his watch. 

"To the Batpigmobile!" Patamon hollered. T.K. rolled his eyes. 

~*~

"No, Hawkmon, the star is crooked. Move it to the left," Yolei instructed. 

"Too far! Too far!" Mimi cried two seconds later. Meanwhile, as Nicki tried to figure out which light was making the whole string not work, she got it into her head to start singing the Adam Sandler Hanukah Song. 

(Ya know, "Put on your yarmulke, it's time for Hanukah…")

Lia gave her a lopsided grin and decided to combat the song. "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…"

"A Tentomon in a tree!" Shadowmon interrupted. 

"On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…"

"Two stupid birds and a Tentomon in a tree!" Yolei added, trying to direct Hawkmon and Biyomon further. 

"Hey Lia, the guys should be coming back now. Let's go see if Matt will be spitting plastic pine needles from now until Easter!" Gatomon pointed out. 

"Yeah, hang on. Wizardmon's still dead, eleven Digidestined, ten foiled plans, nine commercial breaks, eight million websites, seven beat up flunkeys, six-hour marathons, five Dark Rings, four Dark Masters, three new kids, two stupid birds, and a Tentomon in a tree! Ha!"

"Merry Christmas guys!" Mimi called, turning on the Christmas tree lights on the Christmas palm tree. The digimon oohed and aahed. How they lit the tree up with no outlet I don't know. Let's just say Kari provided some light with her phenomenally spiffy powers. 

~*~

"Are…we…late…?" Matt panted, doubled over as he leaned up against the table. The girls popped out of the computer, laughing. 

"Right on time, Yama-chan!" 

"Great. You don't mind if I give you your Christmas present now, do you, Lia?" he asked, pulling an envelope from his coat pocket. 

Lia stared at the envelope. "An envelope. Gee Matt, I don't know what to say."

"Open it, you muffin."

She opened the envelope slowly and pulled out two slips of heavy paper. 

"Nutcracker tickets?! Oh Yama-chan, ai shiteru, ai shiteru, ai shiteru!" 

"Merry Christmas."

"Do I get my Christmas present now, Izzy?" Nicki asked, grinning. 

"I guess."

Nicki struggled to undo the wrapping paper, then gasped. "Soccer cleats! Izzy, how did you know?"

"You only dropped about twenty thousand hints," he muttered. 

"Sora, don't be mad at me," Tai said, cringing as he handed Sora her gift. 

"Hair stuff? Oh Tai, you knew I needed new scrunchies!" she yelped, hugging him. 

"Kari, I…"

Kari was already tearing into her gift. "T.K.!!!"

"I take it you like it."

"Joe, why is your lip all puffy?" Mimi asked. 

"Oh, I got beaten up trying to get you this," he murmured, holding up the CD. 

"Joe! Oh, I love you!"

"Uh, Izzy, Joe?" Cody asked nervously. The guys looked up. "I didn't just get my mom a Christmas present. I kinda think of you guys as my older brothers, and I wanted you to have these." Joe and Izzy looked at Cody as he handed the two of them wicked nice pocket knives. 

"Aw, Cody…"

"Yolei, I uh, I…I bought you an iMac," Ken mumbled. 

"Really, you did? Ken, I don't know what to say!"

"Say you'll go out with me."

Yolei threw her arms around him. 

"C'mon, Lia, I promised I'd take you out to dinner. Let's go," Matt said, putting an arm around her. 

"See ya later, gang!"

"I want Gomamon to take me out to dinner!" Shadowmon complained, getting her tongue stuck to a candy cane. 

"Let's go, you. I don't want to miss seeing James dress up like Santa for the company breakfast!" Nicki said, taking off. 

~*~

Later at a Chinese restaurant…

"Lo mein?" Matt asked. Lia nodded. He passed the little cardboard box over and Lia stared at it in disgust. 

"That's not lo mein…it looks like cat meat."

"Wait, I thought we ordered lo mein."

"I'll give you five bucks if you'll eat it."

"Are you insane, girl? I'm not touching that stuff! It looks like chopped up cat!"

"Just how I wanted to spend my evening, poking cat meat with a stick."

~*~

Merry Whatever from all of us…including Ken Ichijoji, former Digimon Emperor

(Or Kaiser, or Chalupa)

**A/N: The cat meat thing is true…sort of. We had Chinese the other night and instead of lo mein they gave us what we think was chicken egg foo yong, but it honestly looked like chopped up cat. **


End file.
